36 Questions for Increasing Closeness
36 Questions for Increasing Closeness is a structured self-disclosure exercise for pairs, developed by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues and published in 1997. Partners take turns answering three sets of twelve questions that become steadily more personal, spending equal time on each set. In the original study, pairs of strangers who did this reported feeling closer afterwards than pairs who made small talk.
Facilitation script
- 1
Explain where the exercise comes from, how it runs and the ground rules: equal turns, any question may be skipped, what is said stays in the pair.
5 min - 2
Form pairs by choice, hand out the questions and let pairs find a place where they will not be overheard.
3 min - 3
First set: partners alternate, both answering each question. Signal when time is up.
13 min - 4
Second set: same procedure. Remind pairs to move on even if the first set was not finished.
13 min - 5
Third set: same procedure. Repeat that skipping is fine.
13 min - 6
Bring the group back and debrief the experience only: what was easy, what was surprising, what made it possible to be open.
8 min
Tips
Say clearly before pairing that anyone may skip any question without giving a reason, and that nothing said in the pair is repeated outside it.
Let people choose their partner or opt out; assigning a manager and a direct report to each other makes the later questions unfair on both.
Keep to the timing and the order of the sets, because the gradual, mutual increase in openness is what the procedure rests on.
Common pitfalls
Making it compulsory or assigning pairs without a choice, which turns disclosure into pressure and can do real harm to trust
Jumping straight to the third set to save time, which removes the gradual build-up that makes the personal questions feel acceptable
One partner doing most of the talking, so the exchange stops being mutual and the quieter person ends up exposed or unheard
Asking pairs to report what their partner said in plenary, which breaks the confidentiality the exercise depends on
Using it as a quick icebreaker with people who have just met at a work event and did not sign up for anything personal
Variations
For a work setting, you can use only the first two sets, which lowers the intensity and takes about 20 to 30 minutes; this is an adaptation, and the research findings apply to the full procedure. Remote pairs can use breakout rooms with cameras on. The well-known ending in which partners look into each other's eyes for four minutes comes from later press coverage and is not part of the question procedure. The question list is widely available, for example at the source linked here; hand it out rather than reading questions aloud to the room.
Where it fits
When to use it
People will work closely together for a long time and know each other only through their roles
Mentoring, buddy or peer-coaching pairs are being started and need a foundation quickly
A retreat has trust as its declared purpose and participants have agreed to that
Two teams or sites are being brought together and one-to-one links matter more than a group activity
The group is settled and safe enough that personal conversation is welcome
When not to use it
Participation is not truly voluntary: the later questions touch on family, regret and loss, so offer a lighter option such as Check-In Questions or Personal Maps
Pairs would include people in a reporting line or in conflict with each other: use Appreciative Interviews, which keep to work experiences
You have less than 20 minutes or a noisy room: a short Paired Walk gives a better conversation in that time
The aim is whole-group cohesion in one session: pair work builds one relationship at a time, so use Story Circles or Telling Our Stories
Someone in the group is known to be going through a hard personal time and has not chosen to take part
Related methods
Frequently asked questions
What is 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness?▾
It is a pair exercise in which two people take turns answering 36 questions arranged in three sets of increasing intimacy. It was developed by Arthur Aron and colleagues as a research procedure for creating closeness between strangers and published in 1997. The conversation itself takes up to 45 minutes; with the briefing and a group debrief, plan up to 60 minutes.
Does the 36 Questions exercise really make people fall in love?▾
That claim comes from later press coverage. The study measured how close partners felt after the conversation and found a larger increase than after small talk. It was designed to study closeness, not to produce romantic relationships.
Is it appropriate to use the 36 Questions at work?▾
Only with care. The third set contains very personal questions that some people will not want to answer with a colleague. Make it voluntary, allow skipping, let people choose partners, and consider using only the first two sets.
Do pairs have to answer all 36 questions?▾
No. The procedure is driven by time: pairs spend a third of the session on each set and move on when the time is up. Most pairs do not finish every set, and that is expected.
Where can I find the 36 questions?▾
The questions appear in the original 1997 article and are reproduced in many places, including the Greater Good in Action site of the University of California, Berkeley, which is linked as the source of this page. Use a complete list in the original order of the three sets.
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Try it freeMethod descriptions on Workshop Weaver are original content written by our team, based on established facilitation practices. This method was inspired by work from Arthur Aron, Edward Melinat, Elaine N. Aron, Robert D. Vallone and Renee J. Bator (1997).